TOEFL/IELTS 自由エッセイ対策 エッセイはこういう方向性で伸ばしていけば完璧（１）
Posted: 2023/02/26
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By: 高橋 拓実
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Some people argue job satisfaction is more important than job security. Others believe a permanent job is more important. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
上記トピックについて3つエッセイを書いてみました。
まずは、エッセイが少しずつ慣れてきたと思われるIELTS4.5~5.0水準（TOEFL13点程度）のエッセイを紹介いたします。
今回は、「このような方向性でエッセイを磨いていくんだ」という感覚をつかんでもらえればと思います。
以下のエッセイを読んで、それでも分からない内容は個別指導を利用してチャットで何でもご連絡ください！
(IELTSエッセイ 4.5 ~ 5.0水準、TOEFL13点程度のエッセイ）
Some people say having a safe job is more important than being happy at work, but others disagree. I think being happy at work is more important because it makes people work better and can have good results for companies.
If people are happy at work, they work better. Studies in Vietnam showed that happy workers did better at their jobs. Being happy at work can help people use their skills better, which can help the company do well. For example, a restaurant chain in Vietnam was successful because the workers were happy. They had a good atmosphere at work and could get promoted, which made them work harder.
But having a stable job can also be helpful. When it's hard to find a new job, having a stable job can make people feel safer. If they stay with one job for a long time, they can get promoted because they have more experience.
In conclusion, both being happy and safe at work are important, but being happy at work is more important because it can make people work better and help companies succeed.
※それぞれの段落で主張はまとまっていますが、表現力がある程度限定的ですね。
字数ももう少しあると点数が弾みそうです。点数が伸びる＝単純に字数が増える、ということを言いたいわけではありません。点数を高めるためには、それなりの展開をエッセイ内で見せる必要がありますね。十分な展開のためには必然的に字数は伸びていくわけです。
それでは以下5.5〜6.0点辺り(TOEFL18点～23点程度)のエッセイと7点前後(TOEFL27点前後)のエッセイを見て比べてみてください。
そして自分に現状足りていないところの参考にしてください。
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